Thank you for calling our service. You are fifth in the queue. An operator will be with you shortly. In the meantime, watch the beasts in our zoo through the keyhole. Please observe safety precautions and remain in your vehicle. A lion born in captivity has recently been reported missing.
Thank you for calling our service. You are fourth in the queue. Apologies for the delay. All our operators are busy at present. We are experiencing unexpected disruption, someone will be with you shortly. For information in your own language, access online tutorials.
Thank you for calling our service. You are third in the queue. The operators hear shouting and screaming outside the call centre, high alert. Please remain in your vehicle and lock the doors. Our clients’ welfare is very important except in emergency situations when staff come first. To survive the jungle, you have to become animal.
Thank you for calling our service. You are second in the queue. All our operators are dealing with a serious incident. We are sorry for this inconvenience. The background music contains sounds which you may find distressing. Press zero to return to the main menu, press one to continue listening.
Thank you for calling our service. You are next. Please have your bank details ready. Bear with us and someone will be with you as soon as possible. To listen to these options again, press star. To keep on, please hold. You are next. You arrr…
Good morning, sorry to keep you waiting, you are through to the Samaritans. How can we help you today?
I am seven and have committed a crime. And I am going to prison where my brothers won’t come to visit for fear of being locked up as well. I heard someone say if you stared at the classroom wall long enough, mister Williams wouldn’t be able to read your thoughts because God, hidden in the wall, had built a shield around your body which made you invisible. I trusted God to wake me up with a packed lunch I then carried to school but at breaktime all I hear is rumbling behind my belly button, followed by sharp stabs in my heart. Grandfather warned me that, when you get upset, your heart grows a claw which pokes at your ribcage until you pass out. To avoid passing out, I’ve stolen a girl’s lunchbox. I am a thief that will go to prison where I’ll die hungry. Amen.